Upcoming Project - Breaking Into the Fabric Stash
Do you suffer from seasonal affective disorder, otherwise known as the SADs? Me, too. If you’re looking for real, professional advice I’m far from the right person to ask, but one thing I’ve learned in my mental health journey is that sometimes you’ve already gone too far for professional advice to be the most effective option. See, I’ve been though a few cycles of therapy, I know logically what I should be doing to take care of myself, what thought traps I’m getting stuck in, and that I should get dressed and go spend an hour in the gym because activity makes the happy brain chemicals— but those are really preventative measures, and my current dive has landed me too deep in the hole for any of that to work out right now.
So what do you do when you’re so out of spoons that even getting dressed enough to walk down the hall is too much? When everyone you talk to, even the most cherished of friends, turns you into a ranting, raving, and frankly obnoxious ball of catastrophic negativity? There is a point I hit at which, due to my combination of ADHD and ASD, I become entirely irrational. I don’t like it, and so far, the only recovery seems to be time.
I’ve learned a lot about ADHD in the last year. More than I would have expected, given that I’ve lived with the condition my entire life and you’d think that after 30 years of consciousness I’d have mostly figured it out by now, but I guess that’s why people have made entire careers out of studying it. One of the things I learned is that ADHD isn’t just classified as a difficulty focusing. Another large factor is impulse control, something I wouldn’t initially have diagnosed myself as having. As I thought about it more though, I came to recognize that yes, this is 1000% something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s not just physical impulse; those I’m typically good at restraining. But my impulse to lash out, to vocalize a thought that doesn’t really deserve it, to not follow through on my morning routines because it’s just so easy to stay in bed and scroll TikTok for another five minutes that becomes two hours… yeah, I think you get the idea.
So when you can’t get control of your brain, I guess the best thing to do is to take a deep breath, sit back, and let that lack of control work in your favor.
WEDNESDAY, 8:30 AM
I should go for a run. I already overslept. I have such a headache. But I really need to do something.
There is a pile of fabric on my sewing table. And now that I’ve seen it I can’t stop thinking about it. But I don’t have everything else I need to make what I intended to use it for. Do I? Maybe I could just cut out my pieces and then see how I feel.
10:00 AM
I guess I could use the coutil from the short stays kit and replace that when I’m actually ready to make the stays? But I really need to do actual productive things. I’m so bad at being an adult. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.
1:00 PM
I need to eat something. I haven’t done that yet today. But nothing looks appetizing. Maybe I’ll just make some soup? Yeah, and here’s the deal, if you eat some soup you can start cutting out the coutil foundation.
2:30 PM
Clean up your kitchen a little and then you can baste all your pieces together.
5:00 PM
Well now if you want to continue this you have to get dressed and leave your apartment tomorrow, because you have to go to Joanns for grommets. Congratulations, you’ve officially begun to dig yourself out of the hole.
One final thought: I wouldn’t be able to do this if I didn’t have a fabric stash. A lot of us crafters talk about our stash as though it’s something shameful. We call ourselves out on social media in self deprecating humor posts. We tell our friends we can’t be left unsupervised in a store. We appease and justify the cost even to ourselves — “There are much worse things I could be spending money on. There are more destructive hobbies I could be taking part in.”
I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I don’t think it helps anyone to be societally pressured into making a change, especially this time of year when some of us are just barely holding on to our basic routines as it is. But I’ve realized something today. I find sewing costumes to be therapeutic. Meditative. And I couldn't have done what I did today if I didn’t have a stash of fabric and notions on hand, or if my sewing machine didn’t have a permanent home in my living room where I can easily see and access it.
I’m a mess, I know that. I’ve spent the better part of this year trying to understand my conditions and fix myself, even though I know rationally (or irrationally, as is the case when I’m in the hole) there is no “fix” for the way my brain works. I can call it a blessing and a curse, a double edged sword, crossed wires, it all amounts to the same thing. Something I can learn to work with, instead of against.
So that’s my resolution going forward. That, and to keep a well stocked fabric stash.